Written by 4:28 am News

Mystery CES Malady Given a Name – Las Vegas Flu

Steven Stone looks at a serious health issue…

In its last post before it was “temporarily” closed for the election transition, the United States Bureau for Disease Control issued an announcement that the disease that afflicted thousands of show-goers to the annual 2017 Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas has an official designation, “The Las Vegas Flu.” 

AR-vegasflu3a.jpgJess Stimate, the official press liaison recently assigned by the new administration, read to the press in a published statement, “We understand that a few Nevada lawmakers are upset by this because they feel it reflects badly on the City of Las Vegas. But after careful study, the US Bureau for Disease Control discovered that no publicity is bad publicity, which is parallel with what has been the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce’s position for many years. We have even developed a public service ad campaign ready for the next convention season, which leads with headline, ‘Vegas! Come to the Sickest Place on Earth!'” 

This disease is similar to the NAMMfluenza, which was especially virulent at the most recent NAMM convention in California. There are minor differences, however – the Vegas version has faster rise-time with more prominent ear-aches. Also, the Vegas Flu is passed via airborne exposure while the NAMM version requires skin contact. 

AR-vegasflu4.jpgWhen asked during the question and answer period of the press conference whether there was a recommended regimen for prevention or reduction of the symptoms Stimate stated, “Frankly nothing touches this bug except one thing, that I’m not allowed to discuss. Sure, you can get a flu shot, but in the Center’s official position is that your yearly flu shot will be about as effective as tossing holy water over your left shoulder at midnight alternate Thursdays.” When pressured, out by his car in a Washington underground parking lot, Stimate admitted, “Yes, the secret medicinal cure is Medicinal Cannabis, but for obvious reasons, as a Federal employee I can’t mention that stuff.” 

As for preventative measures for higher risk individuals, which in this case is pretty much anyone between the ages of 15 and 75, Stimate unveiled the USBDC-authorized “Vegas Flu Protection Suit,” which is a  pressurized pink Tyvek full-body armor that has a high-quality two-way Gorilla Glass view-screen and special double-walled mouth opening. A specially branded luxury Trump version in gold Tyvek is also available that includes the optional oxygen cylinder, view-screen dedicated to Brietbart news, and a twitter account.

Sales of the new suits will begin shortly on a new website VegasIsSick.com. 


And unlike all the political stuff you read this morning – THIS IS AN APRIL FOOLS POST!!!!

Since AF day 1 fell on a Saturday, I have officially moved April 1st to April 4th this year…editorial license and all…

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