It’s the time of year for saving money!
In the long, long ago, when I sold audiophile gear at Christopher Hansen Ltd. and Cello Music and Film Los Angeles, one of the concepts that helped me sell the most high-end components was to try to illustrate the lifestyle advantages of listening to well-produced music on a high-fidelity system on a regular basis. Just like working out at the gym or eating a little more fish and veggies versus steak and potatoes, listening to a fine music playback system can improve your quality of life.
But that’s not what this article is about. This article is about the exact opposite: songs that make you see red when they come on the radio or satellite or, God forbid, your streaming services. I’m talking about the ultimate mood-killers. Songs so annoying they make you want to jam knitting needles into your ears so that the sound of your own rushing blood overtakes the agony of the music that you are having to endure. I can sense you working on your own list of such songs, and trust me, you’ll be given your chance to vent here in a bit. But before we get there, I need some help with a recent musical event in the car that I am not 100 percent over yet. The trip to drive my son to school is a short one, and I typically listen to the NHL Network for the three to five minutes each way to drop him off. But if the boys from north of the boarder are on a commercial break, I will skip around. On a recent trip back from school, I was cycling through my go-to channels on Sirius and stopped on “80s on 8” and to my utter musical horror, I was subjected to “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys. Oh, the agony.
Don’t get me wrong, I like me some classic Beach Boys. I like the Jan and Dean-inspired backup singing, the Malibu-surf vibe, and even the Theremin, but this song… this song is in a whole other category. I don’t feel as strongly about Jump the Shark musical moments like “Owner of a Lonely Heart” by Yes or even “Touch of Grey” by The Grateful Dead, as “Kokomo” which goes to a much darker, uglier place musically. Lyrically, it covers no new ground, as there had been city “call out” songs long before this musical abortion that are far more tolerable. James Brown’s “Night Train” (click here for video from the TAMI show) and Huey Lewis’ cheesier but still tolerable “Heart of Rock and Roll” both call out cities without engaging such a harsh musical gag reflex. I warn you before you click on the Beach Boys video (click here) that having an airplane barf bag nearby is a perfectly reasonable precaution as it is part live show and part clips from the Tom Cruise movie Cocktail.
Another concept that just sends me over the musical cliff is one-hit-wonder songs that come with a dance craze attached, like Lou Bega’s “Mambo No. 5 (A little bit of…).” Now, to be clear, there is nothing wrong with a good Mambo. Take a listen to The Mambo Kings soundtrack on Tidal or somewhere streaming if you don’t have it in your collection. Musically, it is fantastic, and the recording quality is pretty good considering the age of the movie and the attached soundtrack. Back to Lou Bega, though. Musically, I guess the performance isn’t the worst thing that I have ever heard, but the lyrics very possibly are. Could they be more contrite, simplistic, or insipid?
Shocking, the answer is actually “yes,” which brings me to my next song in the same genre: Los Del Rio’s “Macarena.” If you admit that you know how to do that dance, you should likely be banned from reading this blog for a long time. Once again, there is nothing wrong with Latin music; but this song goes down the wrong musical road from the first note. Its infectious beat is musical Ebola that should have you musically quarantined if you ever actually chose to play such a God-awful song by choice. (click here to see the original video). The only thing that could redeem this song is commentary by Beavis and Butthead.
Not to be a xenophobic jackass or anything (I might be a jackass, but I’m an equal-opportunity jackass), but such cultural ridiculousness isn’t limited to Latin music. The EDM backdrop of Psy’s “Gangnam Style” is actually much better than some of the aforementioned tracks, but the second this plight-on-all-things-musically-good opens his mouth, it makes me want to take a hostage. To know that this was one of the most downloaded videos in the history of YouTube.com and that this guy bought a super-luxury condo in the building that Michael Jackson once lived in makes me insanely jealous on top of outright musically offended. Now that I have you wishing that Kim Jung Un would point the rest of his missiles at South Korea to rid the world of the music of Psy, let’s take a closer look at music written right here in the old U-S-of-A. Once again, giving birth to a dance craze, Billy Ray Cyrus’ “Achy Breaky Heart” not only brings out the worst in both genres of music (that would be “country and western” as we learned in The Blues Brothers), but it does so with square dancing and a mullet. I don’t know what station you would be listening to that would somehow get this musical garbage on your radio but I would remind you that the ear-splitting sound of your airbags deploying might actually bring you actual relief when you wrap your Benz around a pole just to make the musical pain stop.
I promise I will stop. But why not do one more, just for fun (and catharsis)? This one dredges up pain from my childhood and prep school years. While I was never diddled by the wrestling coach (or anyone else for that matter), listening to vocally layer, doo-wop type music is up there in terms of musical pain, yet the blue-blood crowd that was part of my upbringing somehow loved the genre–especially when it came to Billy Joel. Granted, this is by far the best video, the best performance, best vocal harmonies, best composition of any of the songs on this unfortunate list, but it still makes me writhe in musical pain. Even a young Christie Brinkley pulling up to that faux gas station doesn’t make things right (have you seen Brinkley in her 60s? I am not sure the woman has aged at all!). The contextual references to Frankie Valli are obvious, but still don’t make “Uptown Girl” any easier to digest. And to add insult to injury, the bottom-lip-biting honky dancing at the end of the video makes me ashamed of my own culture.
Now it’s your turn to pile on. What songs make you wish you had one of those BMW convertible supercars that don’t have a radio? What tracks make you wish you never bought a pair of good speakers? We need to hear from you, because I’ve done enough damage above.
The song “Happy” absolutely has me pressing on the skip track button the quickest. I’m pretty sure it was written by a misanthropic machine modified by the most malevolent malware imaginable. But, that’s just me, apparently.
Kids LOVE that song. At least mine does!! ! 🙂
I’ll be happy to oblige: “Thank God I’m a Country Boy” by John Denver. Anyone associated with the production of that song deserves a serious bludgeoning. And “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” comes a close second.
And boy bands that aren’t the Beatles are generally worthy of loathing as well; I’d like to see any of those clowns in a Slayer mosh pit.
Oh for the love of God – I forgot about “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”.
I want to crash my experimental plane on the 15th hole of Spanish Bay…. (too soon?)
How the hell does Katy Perry have more gold records than the Beatles? RIAA get your numbers straight!
100,000 streams should equal 1 download not 10,000
Mumford and Sons with their awful sampled banjo.
X Ambassadors “Renegades” is awful for two reasons. One, it was literally written for the Jeep commercial. Two, the singer’s pronunciation of “Spielbergs and Kubricks” really grates on my nerves for some reason.
Well said.
“Saturday in the Park”-Chicago
“Killing Me Softly”-Roberta Flack
“Listen to the Music”-Doobie Brothers
My old boss at Cello Music and Film LA’s wife wrote “Killing Me Softly”. I just heard some of her new music at AXPONA.
Of course she was referring to Don McLean; conventional wisdom dictates.
“Killing me softly” see my comment.
The 1999 Drum Corps International World Championships Finals recordings. It’s not the fault of the drum and corps themselves; they sounded great in person, but whoever was in charge of the microphone placement didn’t do a very good job. As a result of poor microphone placement, all of the drumlines sound dirty and out-of-time, but if you mute either the left or the right channel, the drumlines sound unbelievably clean!
Edit: I meant to say “It’s not the fault of the drum corps itself….”
Zeppelins Immigrant song. makes me want to shove swords into my ears
It works in high school gym locker room
Journey “Wheel in the sky” makes me wanna shut off the radio and NEVER turn it back on, in fear of encountering it again!
Sorry Bob!…….”Old time Rock n Roll”
Anything by Journey. Used to think it was ok, then played incessantly & the truth became clear. Kansas that makes it onto the radio is sub-par Kansas & grossly over-played. Used to feel that way about Boston, but I can listen to them now without diving for the dial.
I guess I can set off a small storm by this statement, but as far as I’m concerned, anything labeled “Rap”, or any of the multiple names for the same drivel absolutely sets me off. To me THAT IS NOT MUSIC!
Train’s “Hey, Soul Sister.”
The only thing that tops the insipid lyrics is the smarmy, insincere delivery of them. Awful, just awful. Makes “Feelings” Stravinskyesque in comparison.
Let me get this out of the way first. You included
Touch Of Grey by the Grateful Dead in this article as a jump the shark
moment. Do you like other Dead songs? You must hate the band to have
brought them into this. Why defend them you might ask me? If I have to
explain, you wouldn’t understand.
As
to songs I
do believe ought to be mentioned here…Guns N’ Roses Sweet Child O’
Mine. That is the worst I can think of, but there are plenty more.
Fortunately, I have trained myself to forget them ASAP. I play pool on a
bar league. The sh*t that comes out of the jukebox is nearly enough to
make me quit. As someone else said, Rap. + Any of it’s sub genres.
Actually, I like the Dead, but I think it’s not a bad song to include here. But I’d probably lean a bit more towards Casey Jones and maybe perhaps US Blues (well maybe not, but for sure Casey Jones).
American Pie. And anything else by Don McLean. I just dive for the radio to go to anything else. I hated it the first time I heard AP at school during lunch and the only thing worse than it is the long version they almost never played over the air back then. Chicago and “Saturday in the park” is another one.Anything Chicago released after about the 3rd album is garbage. And looking at other posts, “Sweet Child of Mine” is another cringe inducer. And of course, “Don’t worry be happy” belongs in the trash pile too, along with most Rap, Country, Folk, and Gospel.
Here Here! see my comments!
Glad there may be something else by him. Precludes even being one hit wonder.
Jerry, Whip My Hair by Willow Smith makes me want to rip out what’s left of my hair.
Does Afternoon Delight count? (Actually years later I heard this at the end of a movie and actually enjoyed it… then not all that long ago I checked out the video at youtube and that ended that.)
“Drove my Chevy to the Levy” beats em all. The song that gave extended musical tracks (over 3:52 long ) a bad name. I can’t even say the correct title – makes me wanna puke!